Fighting my own nature

I am ridiculous. I love to write. I'm a writer by nature. I babble and scribble and yet, somehow, I'm refusing my own need to write regularly. I slip into my chair, disappear into WoW for a few hours. Clean house, read...anything except that one thing I need so badly to do. What am I afraid of? Clearly I'm afraid of something. I know that the best way to write a book is to sit on my butt and type words.

Part of what bothers me, I think, is how it has gone with my first book. I published through a small, new, local publishing firm, and I have to say that it feels an awful lot like vanity press. If I want to have a book signing, I am going to have to purchase authors' copies of the book. I am very short on fundage for that sort of purchase, and I resent it. Oh, I see. Maybe I'm less afraid than I am angry. Writing that book was work, both mental and spiritual. I touched on important themes in my own life, on the ideas that drive and bind me. While I've had excellent responses for the most part, I'm angry that the job didn't get easier once the book was done.

Bugger.

Being angry is a pretty flimsy excuse for not moving on. I've been angry about a lot of stuff over the course of my life, and I expect that to continue. Have I really come no further than this?

I want to know what happens next to my characters. I have a sequel coming for 'Spoken' and I have 20,000 words or so of a teen novel called 'Elvish has left the building', and I have a self-help book close to done...anger is not a sufficient excuse to stop working. I've been reading voraciously, mostly to avoid putting my own stories to paper.

Next month is the national-novel-writing event, and I will take part. I wrote a very difficult short story that I'd like to expand into novel form. I think I'll give that a shot.

So tomorrow, I will make coffee, and open Word before I open Wow. I have to let this anger go. It's stifling and important part of who I am. I have to accept that what happens with my book will, regardless of whether or not I let myself be angry about it.

I also need to talk to my agent about my anger, and I'm worried about that. I love her as a person, and I don't know how well we can separate our friendship from our business relationship. I definitely want to let the anger go before I have that discussion. I need to be clear about needs and wants and expectations, and I can't do that if I let anger splash all over them first.

In the meantime, I'm putting a sticky note on my screen that says 'Writing first'. I'll keep you appraised.