I did some writing today. Not quite my usual thousand words, but I'm going again. I remember how this goes. I wake up early, I spend some time with Kelly and have breakfast, and then I sit down and write. I miss my coffee, I must admit. It isn't really that hard. The hard part is believing that what I've written has merit. Still, I looked back at the previous chapters, and I liked them. The last book was so much about self-sufficiency, and this one is so much about inter-dependence. I didn't set out to write it that way, you know, it's just sort of...happened.

What really kicked me into starting again today was money trouble. I have to laugh, but why does it take that particular thing to make me work? I was thinking about how I should look for a job. It's ridiculous. I'm barely making it through my days now, and I know this. So I told Kelly, and told him that I thought it was insane, and he said 'Work when you're ready'. When we got home I explained that I wasn't talking about writing, and he laughed at me. *chuckles* Add to that the fact that he and I had some wonderful, useful conversation about his new project, and when I got home, I just opened up Word and went.

It didn't feel easy. It did feel good. And the words were all just there, waiting for me to pluck them out of the air and set them in the right order. I don't know exactly what happens next, but neither do my characters, so I suppose we'll all find out together. It's faith in the process that I've lost, somewhere. Not faith in my story or my ability, but in the spinning of the story. As I recall, I only came by that faith by repetition. Success is making the effort, I think. Money troubles will sort themselves, or not. The stories in my head want out. That's the important bit right now.

Fighting my own nature

I am ridiculous. I love to write. I'm a writer by nature. I babble and scribble and yet, somehow, I'm refusing my own need to write regularly. I slip into my chair, disappear into WoW for a few hours. Clean house, read...anything except that one thing I need so badly to do. What am I afraid of? Clearly I'm afraid of something. I know that the best way to write a book is to sit on my butt and type words.

Part of what bothers me, I think, is how it has gone with my first book. I published through a small, new, local publishing firm, and I have to say that it feels an awful lot like vanity press. If I want to have a book signing, I am going to have to purchase authors' copies of the book. I am very short on fundage for that sort of purchase, and I resent it. Oh, I see. Maybe I'm less afraid than I am angry. Writing that book was work, both mental and spiritual. I touched on important themes in my own life, on the ideas that drive and bind me. While I've had excellent responses for the most part, I'm angry that the job didn't get easier once the book was done.

Bugger.

Being angry is a pretty flimsy excuse for not moving on. I've been angry about a lot of stuff over the course of my life, and I expect that to continue. Have I really come no further than this?

I want to know what happens next to my characters. I have a sequel coming for 'Spoken' and I have 20,000 words or so of a teen novel called 'Elvish has left the building', and I have a self-help book close to done...anger is not a sufficient excuse to stop working. I've been reading voraciously, mostly to avoid putting my own stories to paper.

Next month is the national-novel-writing event, and I will take part. I wrote a very difficult short story that I'd like to expand into novel form. I think I'll give that a shot.

So tomorrow, I will make coffee, and open Word before I open Wow. I have to let this anger go. It's stifling and important part of who I am. I have to accept that what happens with my book will, regardless of whether or not I let myself be angry about it.

I also need to talk to my agent about my anger, and I'm worried about that. I love her as a person, and I don't know how well we can separate our friendship from our business relationship. I definitely want to let the anger go before I have that discussion. I need to be clear about needs and wants and expectations, and I can't do that if I let anger splash all over them first.

In the meantime, I'm putting a sticky note on my screen that says 'Writing first'. I'll keep you appraised.