Panic. I am panic tonight. I decided to wear my favourite shirt and it was too big. All of a sudden I felt terribly naked. I still feel it, more naked than just my skin would be. Isn't it ridiculous? All this time I thought that carrying extra weight was a sign of weakness, when really it's been the sign of an ongoing battle with my own body. As the extra me sort of whittles away, I'm left feeling exposed and unsafe. I'm not trying to lose weight, I'm just trying to create harmony and order in my thoughts and actions, and this is how my body has responded. I feel...what? I feel just as out of control of this as I did of my weight.
I had a childhood friend tell me once that she remembered me when I was 'thin and pretty'. I'm thinking to myself that I might always have been pretty. What does it mean?
I know for certain that my body and spirit have never responded to restriction with anything but rebellion. I know that I have never shamed myself into any lasting change. So maybe what scares me so intensely is that this feels like a greater change than weight shed. It feels more profound, like I am just touching the edges of some greater understanding.
In the meantime, I will notice myself being afraid and uncomfortable, and I will ask a husband to hug me, and I will do my best to let the fear go.
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