Small steps to big results

So I got connected with the Coach Approach with my local YMCA. It's a program designed to help people with chronic health problems get into regular activity, and stay that way. Today was my second appointment, and I was feeling really queasy and anxious about it, because it just doesn't feel to me like I've done enough. But when we sat down and figured it out, I've been getting out for a decent walk at least twice a week, and I've just been making more of a point of walking places. I've also been making a more concerted effort to get outside each day, even if it's just out on the back porch. I've noticed that I feel better on days when I do, and that I feel vaguely restless on days when I don't. But it still didn't seem like much. I'd committed to going to aqua-fit classes three times a week as well as walking, and every time I'd thought about the classes, my anxiety level went through the roof. So today, Roxanne (my facilitator) said that sometimes it's worth figuring out what the block is, and sometimes it's better just to go around. I have a new plan for the next month. In the meantime, both my stress and fatigue levels (as measured by me) are half what they were six weeks ago. Granted, some of that is my IBS calming down, but even when it flares I don't feel quite so devastated by it.

I'm not doing all that much, really. I'm not doing workouts that kill me, but I like to walk briskly. And this has been enough for me to (so far) mostly avoid my standard winter depression. How bizarre is that? I tend to be so all-or-nothing, you know? I succeed or fail, and I have precious little room in my emotional landscape for doing enough. I never see what I do as enough, but...it seems perhaps that in this, I'm doing enough. I'm going to do a little more, to see how that feels. I like not feeling quite so anxious or exhausted. I can't help but think how nice it would be to base my opinion of myself on degrees of success, rather than of failure.

The truth about me is that I do my best. Another truth is that I tend to set impossible expectations of myself, where I would treat all other people with compassion and gentleness.

Tomorrow I'm going snow-shoeing, something I've never done before and look forward to immensely. Whatever I've done before brings me here, to a new experience. That feels good to me.